There’s something I need to say. I realize that this particular bit isn’t the best way to start off a blog in which I plan on talking about a great deal of things that interest me. But I really need to get it out there in the open if I ever want to be honest with myself, and in the end that’s really what this is all about.
So let’s get this started.
My born name is Peter, but if you know me then you more than likely know me as John at this point. John Done was an arbitrary name I stumbled upon and eventually took as my own in college to escape an identity I no longer associate with. The random nature of the name always intrigued me, so this never bothered me that much except when I’m with my family, which is when I feel most pressured to justify myself, whether it’s about religion or politics or my nickname. I could, and will, change my name whenever I see fit and feel comfortable with it. Long story short, I’m not the person I used to be. I’m no longer a conservative Catholic young boy considering the clergy as a career choice. If you were to meet me now, none of that would seem remotely accurate. I’m a radical godless liberal waging a personal crusade against everything I once advocated.
I also consider myself a girl.
I’m not joking. I don’t identify as male anymore. It only marginally made sense to me to say I’m a guy because of certain ways I’d act and not others. Going to an all-boys Catholic high school I always felt I was putting on an act of some sort, but I could never place what it was until I went to college and started hanging out with women. Even considering my default social deficiencies I found myself being more open when talking with girls, speaking in a higher pitch that seemed to come about naturally for me. I only really noticed this when I realized how I’d deliberately reverse this process around guys, dropping to a lower tone of voice and becoming much more reserved while tacking the word “man” at the end of every sentence.
I guess the only reason why I’ve gone for so long without realizing this about myself is because I’m sort of a tomboy, despite my personal obsession with cute things. But it never felt right for me to describe myself as a feminine guy. I don’t in any way consider myself to be a “femme”, nor do I feel the need to go out of my way to prove my femininity. I have however felt an instinctive pressure since high school to prove my masculinity, and that’s what always put me off.
At some point during freshmen year in college I came to terms with the more feminine side of my personality that I’d been suppressing since high school, but I felt like I couldn’t express it. I wasn’t sure how I could. It didn’t seem to make sense, because I personally felt that t-shirts, jeans and sneakers were better for both genders than dresses and heels, but looking at the way I dressed in the mirror I always felt something was wrong. I couldn’t reconcile this until I considered that I might be transgendered and actually tried on women’s jeans and a t-shirt. Then I fully understood who I felt like I was this whole time. So as it turns out I’m a genderqueer transgirl. Go figure.
This is something that I’m going to be working on all summer, transitioning to the fullest of my ability before going back to school in autumn. One might recommend that I just find a way to be comfortable with myself. Well the truth is that I’m not comfortable with myself being flat-chested and having a beard and lots of body hair. So I’ll be looking around for whatever resources I can get a hold of in the area to help me in this process.
I just needed to get this out there so I can settle into things a little easier once I get back on campus. It will probably seem weird to a good deal of people, but then I’m a weird person, gender identity aside. No, this isn’t something my parents are ready to know about, not now, if ever. They’re not the sort of folks who take challenging God’s plan lightly. And I don’t think they’d be ready as parents to hear that their only son is in fact a transgendered lesbian, on top of being a godless liberal.
So, one overly long blog post later, the gist: I’d prefer if you’d refer to me as “she” and all the appropriate female terminology that comes with it. And the name’s Jenny now, k?